Dear movie theater douchebag,
You don’t know me, but I’ve sat behind you for years. Ever since Regal Cinemas began running their theater advertisement before the feature presentation, I’ve had my eyes on you. You know which one I’m talking about, the futuristic roller coaster with the ginormous candy and filmstrip track. I just wanted to take a minute to thank you for always being there, putting your hands over your head and pretending you are on a real life roller coaster. It doesn’t matter what movie I see, you are always there. Sometimes you are with your girlfriend, probably on your third or fourth date, cause let’s face it, who has the balls to pull that on a first. Sometimes you are with your buddies with the short haircuts and yes even once I think I’ve seen you alone. It means a lot to me that you perform every single time without fail. I especially love it when you throw in that little scream when the kernel explodes. Keep up the good work and remember, whatever happens you’ll still think you are the funniest guy in the room.
Your secret admirer
PS: Last night was classic. When the roller coaster space ship pulled up to the heavy metal doors, you pulled out your keys and pressed the button on your key ring to “open it up”. You’re a god damn savant my friend.